its been a while...

its been a while since the last time i entered some rants and blurted out some dramas on this site,

only updating this blog cause my officemates somehow reminded me that i have one

was not trying to refrain from writing its just that i have too much in my mind and too much to do that i always set aside stirring up my mind to produce a decent blog post

for some time since the last post, i have gotten rid of "diwata" in my mind for quite sometime, her being happy with someone else, and got hold of some one else, which did not also went the way i wanted it to.

hmmm, how would i call her, i also wanted to call her "diwata" but it would somehow be too inappropriate her knowing the story behind the real "diwata", some how.

is it bad to miss them both now?

"prinsesa", the new "diwata", was almost perfect, some beautiful, somehow boyish, cowboy type, independent, God fearing girl who i met thru facebook, YES, facebook. it was just one of those days that i was in a state of total depression that i tried to add ass many girls in facebook as i can. actually she was a facebook friend of a girl who did not even replied to my message. the funny thing is she did not even knew the common girl between us two.

anyway, we dated, everything was going well, but then one thing was keeping me from being serious with her, religion.

she is a devout born again christian, she told me that her past relationship ended tragically because of difference in belief, so i don't want her to go the same path once more. i was happy being casual, but unfortunately shit happens.

she was accepted to work overseas, which is another factor for me.

i can not handle a long distance relationship.

to cut the long story short, i was left with no one, all my fault, with a girl who met her match there.

well, that is life... :)

but the funny thing is, i thought i have already given up on "diwata" where the fact is, the minute i knew she was single again, if she is, all of the thoughts that are once hidden came back to hunt me. damn. is she the girl, who i can't have, forever?

it still hurts "diwata" a lot when she remembers the one stupid SMS i mis-sent her.

hay... i said to myself that i would stop with the dramas in my life, but obviously, its a part of me, good luck to me...

anyway, posted this first cause it will be soon be over posted by another idea in my mind... about my work experiences, i think that would be a break from the norm drama mode of me.

being unjennysided

unjennysided (with the battered and bruised icon)

means that even if i get hurt all the time and wait for things to happen, i should just let go and move on...

forget about her and take her off my system

the prefix un- means reverse action and the suffix -sided means side

hehe

its time to let go and move on, i think she already found her partner and is happy..

its not meant to offend anybody

specially her

the battered and bruised icon means that, well, that i was blinded and i did not see that i am being battered and bruised at the process.battered and bruised by the comments of others, seeing her with someone else and seeing her with the one she loves makes me hurt inside.

but its ok

i think i should be way pass that...

thanks

and she said...

a good day to everybody. first of all i would like to thank the following people who have read my post and commented on it, even if its so damn "MADRAMA". i just wanted to express my feelings and i do not know where else to blurt it out but here. th following people are:

a. IRISH
b. DONYA QUIXOTE
c. ICARUS

bweno, lets start the post, i have wrote in

and she said "i love you as a firend.."

(literally wrong spelled cause the post was spelled wrong, and instead of changing it to the correct one,i rather left it that way cause the next post to it was related to it. )

that she has told me things got me somehow depressed. she already told me before that we are friends and i am, maybe, one of the very exceptional ones. but i kept on pushing myself in her heart to win her love. but then she told me just days ago those 5 words that a guy would go drama about. but then again, she somehow told me these things in reply to my post.

zeus..

this may seem so unusual of me to comment on this, but just let me do this, ok?

i love you as a friend.. if you can still remember, i had already said this twice. once, when you asked me about waiting etc, and lastly days before neces' variety show.

i want to say this personally, especially when we talked last wednesday. but honestly, i really don't want you to be hurt in anyway, or anyhow. i value our firnedship, and i'll always be thankful to you, not just because of all the things that you had done for me, but because of the happiness and contentment that i felt during those times when you make me feel how important i am to you. no one has ever touched my heart the way you did, and in my silence, i feel blessed to have you as a friend, and someone, “just” someone, but the ONE who cared the most, and loved the most.

no, i don't want this to be seen by people whom i don't know, my intention is just to say this in a way where i can pour out my emotions and all that's bothering my mind regarding this issue, and things that you have mentioned in the church. yes, in the church. some people may have a grudge on me because i have hurt you, although unintentionally, but still, i know i did, and it hurts me too. i don't want to justify myself to them, because they don't know me personally, and they know you better than me. i'll just let them think whatever they want to think about me. but what i'm concerned is what you think of me after the bliss.

At first, when you said that you somehow like me, I thought that you’re just one of them, just a passerby who comes, says hi, then leave after a short time. No, you’re not. You’re different from all the people I’ve met before. You made me feel happy after all the sadness that I once felt after a grim heartbreak. I thought that i don’t deserve to feel loved, and you proved it all wrong. At times when I feel so down and left out, you’re there by my side, uplifting my spirit, and renewing my views.

No, don’t let me enumerate all the things you have done/gave to me..
- a bottle full of stars
- a goodluck note pinned like those in wish bottles
- borrowed book from you classmate.. I think its an electronics book for our thesis
- a book entitled hope for the flowers, with so many butterflies evolved from two loving caterpillars
- letter
- fixing my blog layout

and so much more.. can’t enumerate, this would be flooding.. I just want to thank you again and again.. really appreciate those a lot. I really really do.

But then, stupid heart, yes, a fool’s heart is all I have. It doesn’t know how to stop, how to end and how to change its choice of the one. If only it knows who to pick so that it’ll not be broken again, if only…, you know it’s going to be you. You know I’m stuck, can’t get loose, cant breathe, can’t move on. Victims, we all are, and victims we’ll all gonna be.

I won’t say goodbye, because for me nothing has ended between us. We are still friends isn’t it?
********** | 11.25.07 - 10:35 am | #


Gravatar Goodbye is not meant for us, goodbyes are for the ones who trashes and leaves it all behind. I will still be here, and when you turn back to see who’s behind, you’ll find me there. But I will not force you, nor tell you what to do. I’ll do what you want, and be the one to adjust, at least, to lessen the pain that I’ve brought you. If I could take it all away from you so you’ll be happy, you know I’ll do it just to see you smile again.


“Then like an answered prayer
I turned you around and found you there

You really know where to start
Fixing a broken heart
You really know what to do
Your emotional tools can cure any fool
Whose dreams have broken apart
Fixing a broken heart

Now I don’t understand what I’m going through
There must be a plan that led me to you
Because the hurt just disappears
In every moment that you are near
Just like an answered prayer
You make the loneliness easy to bear

Soon the rain will stop falling
Let’s forget the past
Cause here we are at last…”
********** | 11.25.07 - 10:38 am | #


i'm sorry if i have to post it here. if you want, you can just erase whatever i've said after reading it, somehow i'm scared of what will happen after this. i will not post this on my blog coz i think they will not understand my point in doing all of this. some people are so narrow-minded, that they wouldn't care to listen.

for your readers, thanks for the time in scanning this somehow lengthy "comment".



"i could not ask for more of the love you gave me... coz it's all i've waited for.. and i could not ask for more.."
********** | 11.25.07 - 11:03 am | #

waaaaaaaa.. i dont know anymore what i am to do

i do not know where to go. waaaaa. somehow i do not know if i am to posts all my thoughts here cause it will be very awkward for me if she read the things i want to say. do not get me wrong, its not that i am to say something bad, but the ideas of what i am to do would be somehow not "surprising" anymore in her part. for she will know what i am to do.

hmmmmm.

hehe. its almost christmas, and its cold. wakekeke.

anyway. i really do not know what to do...

by the way, the song that was there was the song she told me that she remembers me by, as i have stated in one of my post. wala lang. i just made it bolder and colored red cause i am really happy that a song was something that a person would remember me by.

and she said "i love you as a firend.."

hey, i never imagine reaching my 95th post. but anyway that is of the main topic for this post's drama.
yes, DRAMA. i know i promised myself to stop this damn over rated dramas who nobody has the time to read. but i need to take this out of my system. i do not want this feeling to clutter up my mind. maybe, i think, that if i try to blurt it out to the public with minimal readers, it would somehow lessen the intensity.

so here we go, let's start.

(so no more diwata, no more butterfly pink addiction, no more partially stalking and no more girl who would change my world)

i opened and logged on to y.m and found her logged in. it was something new to me but the heck, i pmed her.

[insert start of conversation here]
(rather not share)

up to the point that i asked her...


so there it was, I LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND.. what every guy somehow dread about when he is pursuing one person of his dreams.

i immediately texted a colleague of mine and he replied

"bat ang saya mo pa ata (having texted him with "haha's". akala ko ba wag pansinin ang time. hirap talga no"

(somehow cut short)

hmmm. yes, i know it hard to move on. i keep on reminding myself every minute to keep in mind the worst. yes i am a pessimist, to avoid much disappointment, but still. it hurts.

hay.. she ws almost my everything

because of her i wanted to e the better, if not the best, man that i could be.

she was my stepping stone for me to become the man i want to be. she was my everything. tho problem is i am just a some one, not important enough to be always by her side.

she was my diwata, the one who would take me away from my misery with her wings, but i never thought she would just pass by, she did not stay.

hay... tama na. ill end it here for the mean time.

thanks for bearing with me.

i do not know what to do, having her say that i do not know if im to still pursue or let go of this feeling.

she was my greatest downfall, i loved her first and i was the only one who loved so much. it was never reciprocated.

(akala ko ba tama na)

(may naalala lang.)

a friend of mine once said, it so pathetic to give without asking for anything in return, somehow you are expecting something even just a little bit.

i guess she was right

kudos to jelai...

PLEASE DO HELP

hmmm.. so here i am once more invading you internet browser with some random blog postswhich almost none would read. i have been studying my previous posts and i have got minimal, if not none, comments which means i should do something drastic to this blog space so i would not be just some internet space clutter with no purpose at all..

so what now should i do? i have already changed my layout.. its blue and a template from blogger, i do not want to change the my lay out though i how how to. (for sample click here). i changed, somehow, my blogging style from full of drama to random posts and videos.

i have included additional click me interactive thingies. i have palced things to make visitors wanna visit me all the time (the mybloglog widget and the cbox) but all i am getting are still few if not very less visitors.

i still lack 2 things, as far as i know.

one would be that i am not blog hopping that much and
two, that i lack the spunk that one person would keep on returning to this space.

hmmm

so what am i suppose to do now?

care to suggest.


pls do. i do want to keep this blog alive and kicking

i dont want this to be another failure on my part

thanks

it is time

damn!
i need to change!

but i don't know how to

i have realized, but somehow its too late.many have been avoiding me, trying to create distance after a long run of pure unadulterated trust

but why? is it because that when they already know me they see the real me and see that i am a mother fucking asshole, bastard. not worthy of their friendship? their trust.

believe me i have been wanting to change, for the better, for my own sake, but i have failed numerous countless number of times. i am about to give up

but i should not. i should not give up. i know the efforts of some few chosen should not go to waste. they have given too much patience to me to help me. but honestly i really don not know how

they have told me that i should not rely my decision of changing on other peoples effort, what if they are to leave me,if they are to go, where am i to get the backbone? this ma be the reason for my return, return to the old me.

i hate it. i hate who i am right now. many have come and go and few stayed. and i am sick and tired of it. i have to break the this continuity. i hope i can. i hope i will not be all start with no finish with this thought. i really want to change. its for me. its for the best.

please teach me how.

APO HIKING SOCIETY lyrics

by the way. i made a layout for a friend. please visit her link and comment on my tag board on what you think about the layout i made

she is jennifer elaine

thanks

random things once again

everybody has been blogging about ERAP, the Glorrietta bombing and the ZTE scandal lately and i dont want to ride with the norm.

hmmm

so to break the norm here is something that i am to post.

unfortunately i was texting away friends and colleagues about stuffs and works to be done. when the time came that i was to text DIWATA this image showed up in my 3530 cellphone. (yes, i am still using an old phone that has been in my possession for ages.)

waaaaaaa. that is the problem when there is no school, my mother is not providing me any allowance.

hmmm. just gonna think of some way to get money for me to reload my account and continue to text DIWATA.

hmmmm... anything else? here is a find i saw from the web.

click image to view larger picture.

another thing, i really enjoy watching short films with meaning and is very fulfilling to watch. (parang apaka wrong grammar ata) anyway, i was browsing my multiply network and saw this great find from benjie , a former highschool batchmate. it was an entry on "ON THE LOT" show aired by the FOX network. i saw some of the entries that were submitted there and watched some short films. but still, because of my patriotism, i still rather choose this film from paolo dy titled qwerty.

this is a nice film, i really liked it, short in time but the story is full. to view other films from the show search for "on the lot" in the search field on youtube.

silence

One last post before I place myself in the world of exclusion.

Tomorrow’s going to be the start of our finals and I am to start reviewing.

To my fellow blogmate/ orgmate

I have no hard feelings for you, I am neither destroying your reputation to any one. Neither am I trying to make the person you "love" to dislike you. I am not taking her for my own. You don’t know me and you can never say such things. I hate what you are doing and not you in totality.

I mentioned in my previous post that you are a plain copy cat. I do not and never will I resent those claims. It is not only I who had noticed these things. It has been tested and yes, you did do these things numerous times over and over again. She blogged, you blogged, she is a working student, you apply for one, I posted some comments you did the same. Need I to reiterate what there is left? This post would be so long if I did so.

And it was not I who did something against you in the first place. You did, I never did nothing against you! Damn, you go on and on saying stuff like those without even thinking what you are blurting out. I myself have proofs and I would have not posted that if it was only I who have noticed it.

Enough about you!

To the butterfly I so have given so much attention

Am I to give up? You never told me to stop. My friends are telling me things to do, to either stop or go on. I am so full of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Yes, you are very important tome, but you still love that guy. Though you’re confused I know you still love him so much. I don’t know, it is only now that I have held on to something I started. I always give up so early that it hurts me more compared to if I pursued. Maybe I’m not fit for anybody? Maybe I am not meant for anyone.

There, in your blog, numerous guys flooding. There, in your friendster numerous lads falling. I don’t know. Am I giving too much meaning to something that has nothing at all? Am I to resign my position to pursue you. Nagmumukha na akong tanga kasi. I love you, but I think it’s not enough. You don’t want to talk about it and you don’t want to talk to me. All I'm waiting for is for you to tell me to stop. That’s all.

I need to do these to lessen things I am thinking of before I start studying. Thanks for bearing with me…

for many years

i have been blog hopping this past few days to catch up with some old bloggers i have known for months, even years, and to know some new bloggers who has been dominating the blog world.

its been many weeks since i posted and became active of the blog world. and i have seen many people develop friendship, gain enemies or even garnered awards. and with those many months that i have been spilling my mind out, i still can't over some facts that has been surrounding, somehow, my mind every time i visit the blog world

some of these things are so far impossible to recreate or to revive that it has given me the down feeling that i wanted to avoid. some were very happy memories that would never again happen. some are those people who made an impact to my life. and some are just those who gives me the satisfied feeling every time i pass their blog

hmmmm...

i really miss the old days where i was friends with them and they were there for me and such cheesiness and stuffs, but like what my friend told me. dont hold on, let go and move on.

i have made so much effort. i dont consider it wasted overtime but still... that's just that

i really hope i could go back to the past and redo those things, but unfortunately. i cant. too bad for me. errors have been made and thing may no longer go my way

bye bye butterfly?

there it was

a butterfly

with wings full of life

passing every flower full of delight


there she was

once passed my way

once stayed in my palm

it was just once

it was not that long

it was cherished


now she's gone

now her presence is no more

now

there is nothing

now

where is to where am i to go



hold on

or let go


(damn you. its your fault, but who am i to hold possession? she was never mine)

damn you

one world you have none

maybe

just maybe

i was positive for a time

but now i realized

it was not to the right one

maybe


maybe im right

maybe its

good bye

katanungan, kalimawan, iniirog asan ka

isa na lang ba ako sa nahumaling sa takbo ng kanyang isip
isa na lang ba akong ala alang kinalimutan at pilit na lalayuan
isa na lang ba ako sa mga taong humanga ngunit pinagbawalan na ng tadhana
isa na lang ba akong haharap sa mundo hindi ka kasama?
isa na lang ba akong tanga na pilit na nag hahabol at ginagawa ang lahat para lang muli kang makausap man lang

isang saglit lang na makita ang iyong mukha
isang sandali lang na marinig ang iyong boses
isang mensahe lang na magpapatunog sa aking selpon
isang bagay lang, makakapag pasaya na sakin ito

isang bagay na lang ang hinihiling ko sa ngayon,
isang simpleng bagay
isang simpleng pakakaibigan na lang
isang simpleng atensyon

na mag mumula sa iisang ikaw


ano pa ba ang aking magagawa
ano pa ba ang dapt kong sabihin
ano pa ang dapat kong patunayan?
ano pa ba ang dapat kong kalagyan
ano pa ba ang dapat kong ibigay

saan ba kita makikita
saan ba ako pupunta
saan ako pupwesto
saan ba talaga ang daan patungo muli sayo
saan ang daan papunta sa puso mo

kailan darating ang araw na akoy muling bibiyayaan ng pansin
kailan darating na ako ay iyong muling papansinin
kailan darating ang araw na ako ay iyong mapapgbigyan
kailan darating ang panahon n ako ay susuko

hindi pa ako handang bumitiw
hindi pa panahon
hindi pa tapos ang lahat
hindi pa ako handang sumuko
hindi pa panahon upang bitawan ka

ngunit paano kung ikaw ang lumalayo
ngunit paano kung ikaw ang nagtatago
ngunit paano kung ikaw ang umiiwas

saan ako lulugar
ano ang gagawiin
hindi pa ako handa sumuko

hindi pa dahil hindi pa kita napapasaya, hindi pa ako sumasaya ng sa kadahilanang ikaw ay masaya


(post note: sino kaya ang mysteryosong lalake sa profile mo?)

a market full of nothingness

i went to the market to open up a stall, to sell out my products, to blab out my rants, to share my misery, to show my joy, for you to know my everyday living

i went to the market, to open up a stall, to start talking to other vendors, to have company

i went to the market, to release these damn inner emotions, these damn pain inside,
to relax myself somehow of the tiring days i pass by everyday

i went to the market to make new friends, to interact, to know people. to make connections, to open a new word of opportunity, but to my despair

now my stocks keep coming but few seems to buy, neighbor hope i seldom talk to, they are busy.

i make myself a competition to them, buy my products, but they dont mind me, im no match to what they are selling. im just a poor boy not that interactive im not that open, not that interesting...

i came to make friends.. where are they?

maybe i went to the market, but unprepared, poor in advertisement, poor at mingling with people.

im not doin my part

maybe, thats just how it is...

(apaka walang sense, wrong grammar... ewan. wala ako sa sarili... as usual lagi naman. my blogs dying and it seems to late to revive it.)

am i really back?

sa dami ng ginagawa ko wala na akong oras na mag blog.

hindi ko nga alam kung me babsa sa post kong ito, pero kasi ganun talga ang mga org, sa start ng class halos humihirit ng mga actibvities para wala pang masyadong hastle sa pag-aaral ng studyante

[insert bragging rights here]

myembro ako ng 3 organisasyon sa engineering, at meron akong mga naka assign na project na medyo madami ginagawa...

NECES ( Network of Electronics and Communications Engineering Students)
pos: COMMITTEE HEAD

in charge of : (for next week)

a) stage design for Mr and Ms NECED pageant (tuesday)
b) bulletin board design (monday)
c) exhibit design (monday)
d) stage design for variety show (saturday)

TEM ( Thomasian Engineering Media)
pos: Creative Goup Staff

incharge of : (the whole semester)

a) co-creator of the TEM website
b) lay-out of journal
c) possible bulletin board design
d) engineering centennial count down (80-0) days before engineering centennial

ARC-UST ( Amateur Radio Club - University of Santo Thomas)
pos: Web Development Team

incharge of : (end of november)

a) syempre web lay-out

[end bragging right]


kaya ito ako akal mo busy pero d' naman, feeling lang siguro.

kung me video cam sana ako o digicam kukunan ko ung mga nagawa ko para atleast nakapag yabang pa ako lalo

wakekeke

as soon as matapos ko mga trabaho ko ay bibigyan ko ng oras itong blog ko

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

medyo ung pc din pala wala na sa room ko kaya nakakainis. binawi, kasi tv na uli ako. pinalitan na ung sira kong tv

sa mga tao maraming salamat sa inyo sa laging pagsuprta sakin

yung mga asa tag board ko

lalong lalo na si

talamasca sa pag sagot sa sa mga taong naghahanap sakin sa tag board
na idol ko parin upto now, wakekeke
jigs na nag aantay ng post ko
jhed na wala lang
garry tarugo na aliw ako sa name at sa jolibee post na huli kong nabasa
irish na kuya nya ako at bumibisita kahit d' ako updatd.updated na ako
super xiena na still superhero parin
ron kasi nakakachat parin kita, dati
vinx kasi makulit na bata at lagi ko parin kachat
adrian kasi kaklase kita

at yung galit sakin na ayaw ako parin pansinin....

maraming salamat sa suporta pipol